At the Nunnery

Three Italian Nuns passed away. When they reached the Pearly Gates St. Peter says to them "You have all led such exemplary live God is granting you another six months of life on earth as however you like. The first nun said "Sophia Loren" and in a flash she disappears. The second nun chooses Madonna and likewise she is away. The third nun is holding an old newspaper cutting in her hand while she says "Sarah Pipelini" A little baffled St. Peter takes the cutting from her hand. He reads it out and smiles "Sorry sister I think you'll find it was actually the Sahara Pipeline that was laid by 1000 men in six months.


Q :- “What did the nun say to her brand new vibrator ?”

A :- “Stop shaking with fear my dear it's the first time for me as well"


Two nuns are sitting in their little mini at the traffic lights when a drunk approaches them. “What should I do?” says one nun to the other. “Show him your cross” was the reply So he other nun rolls down the window and shouts out “F*** off you drunken bastard”


Question. How do you get a nun pregnant?

Answer. Dress her up as an alter boy.


Little Mary Margaret was not the best student in Catholic School. Usually she slept through the class. One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping. 'Tell me Mary Margaret, who created the universe?' When Mary Margaret didn't stir, little Johnny who was her friend sitting behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear. 'God Almighty!' shouted Mary Margaret. The Nun said, 'Very good' and continued teaching her class. A little later the Nun asked Mary Margaret, 'Who is our Lord and Savior?' But Mary didn't stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to her rescue and stuck Mary Margaret in the butt. 'Jesus Christ!!!' shouted Mary Margaret and the Nun once again said, 'Very good,' and Mary Margaret fell back sleep. The Nun asked her a third question...'What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?' Again, Johnny came to the rescue. This time Mary Margaret jumped up and shouted, 'If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!'

The nun fainted............



Q :- “What do you call nun who walks in her sleep?”

A :- “A roaming catholic”


Mother Superior at the Convent of St Agnes got all of the nuns together for a little meeting, for something had come up. She said, "Sisters, we've discovered a case of syphilis in the house!" Whereupon little sister Mary Catherine clasped her hands together and fell to her knees and exclaimed,"Oh, thank the Lord! We've all been getting so tired of Chardonnay!"


A nun and a priest were traveling across the desert and realized
halfway across that the camel they were using for transportation was
about to die. They set up a make-shift camp, hoping someone would come
to their rescue, but to no avail. Soon the camel died.


After several days of not being rescued, they agreed that they were
not going to be rescued. They prayed a lot (of course), and they
discussed their predicament in great depth.


Finally the priest said to the nun, "You know, Sister, I am about to
die, and there's always been one thing I've wanted here on earth -- to
see a woman naked. Would you mind taking off your clothes so I can
look at you?"


The nun thought about his request for several seconds and then agreed to
take off her clothes. As she was doing so, she remarked, "Well,
Father, now that I think about it, I've never seen a man naked,
either. Would you mind taking off your clothes, too?"


With little hesitation, the priest also stripped. Suddenly the nun
exclaimed, "Father! What is that little thing hanging between your
legs?"


The priest patiently answered, "That, my child, is a gift from God. If
I put it in you, it creates a new life."


"Well," responded the nun, "forget about me. Stick it in the camel!"


Did you hear the one about the man who opened a dry-cleaning business
next door to the convent? He knocked on the door and asked the Mother
Superior if she had any dirty habits.


A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway, when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye. It says SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE
OF PROSTITUTION 10 MILES.

He thinks it was just a figment of his imagination and drives on without a second thought. Soon, he sees another sign which says SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF
PROSTITUTION 5 MILES and realizes that these signs are for real.

When he drives past a third sign saying SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE
OF PROSTITUTION NEXT RIGHT, his curiosity gets the best of him
and he pulls into the drive.


On the far side of the parking lot is a somber stone building with a
small sign next to the door reading SISTERS OF MERCY. He climbs the
steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long
black habit who asks "What may we do for you, my son?" He answers "I
saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly doing
business."


"Very well, my son. Please follow me."


He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented.
The nun stops at a closed door, and tells the man "Please knock on
this door." He does as he is told and this door is answered by another
nun in a long habit and holding a tin cup. This nun instructs "Please
place $50 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end
of this hallway." He gets $50 out of his wallet and places it in the
second nun's cup. He trots eagerly down the hall and slips through the
door, pulling it shut behind him. As the door locks behind him, he
finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign: GO
IN PEACE, YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS
OF MERCY.


This raggedy-assed old nun was walking home from the convent one day,
when this man jumps out from the bushes and has his way.

Then the man sayeth unto her, "What will you tell the Holy
Father now, Sister?"

She says, "I must tell the truth! I will say I was walking home from
the convent when a man jumped out from the bushes and raped me twice,
unless you're tired."


The nuns at the local convent had their daily annoucement session. The
mother superior walked out in front of the 100 nuns with a very
serious frown on her face. She began to speak...

Mother Superior: There had been a sinful deed committed here,
yesterday.
99 nuns: Oh, no!
1 nun: Hee, hee, hee.

Mother Superior: Today I found a pair of men's underwear.
99 nuns: Oh,no!
1 nun: Hee, hee, hee.

Mother Superior: And I also found a condom.
99 nuns: Oh, no!
1 nun: Hee, hee, hee.

Mother Superior: And it has been used!
99 nuns: Oh, no!
1 nun: Hee,hee, hee.

Mother Superior: And there was a hole in it!
1 nun: Oh, No!
99 nuns: Hee, hee, hee, hee, hee, hee!.....


It was Friday, and four nuns went to the priest at the local Catholic
church to ask for the weekend off. They argued back and forth for a
few minutes. Finally the priest agreed to let them leave the convent
for the weekend. "However", he said, "as soon as you get back Monday
morning I want you to confess to me what you did over the weekend."
The four nuns agree, and run off.

Monday comes, and the four nuns return. The first nun goes to the
priest and says, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned." The priest
asks, "What did you do, Sister?" She replies, "I watched an R-rated
movie." The priest looks up at heaven for a few seconds, then replies,
"You are forgiven. Go and drink the holy water." The first nun leaves,
and the fourth nun begins to chuckle quietly under her breath.

The second nun then goes up to the preist and says, "Forgive me,
Father, for I have sinned." The priest replies, "OK, what happened?"
She says, "I was driving my brother's car down the street in front of
his house, and I hit a neighbor's dog and killed it." The priest looks
up to heaven for half a minute, then says, "You are forgiven. Go and
drink the holy water." The second nun goes out. By this time, the
fourth nun is laughing quite audibly.

Then the third nun walks to the priest and says, "Forgive me, Father,
I have sinned." The priest asks" Out with it. What did you do?"
She says, "Last night, I ran naked up and down Main Street." The
priest looks up at heaven for a full five minutes before responding,
"God forgives you. Go and drink the holy water." She leaves. The
fourth nun falls on the floor, laughing so hard tears run down her
cheeks.

The priest asks her, "OK. What did you do that was so bloody funny?"

The fourth nun replies, "I peed in the holy water..."