Her eyes shined like rubies in the midst of a sea of red.
What perceived in the ocean could now be seen in the sky.
Above me and below me, we coexist.
Into the deep unknown, up up and away.
I stretch far away on this palette of colors,
As we lie next to each other,
I know no other.
Someone is calling, calling my name.
I am feeling her, feeling insane.
Her love is like a river,
Her lust is overtaking the sky,
Crossing mountains as we vie.
Tonight she rushes me,
Rushes me there,
Rushes me here,
I don’t know where I’m going,
Or where we will end up.
Her eyes shined like rubies in the midst of a sea of red.
What perceived in the ocean could now be seen in the sky.
Above me and below me, we coexist.
Into the deep unknown, up up and away.
She dons a cape,
She dons a smile,
She dons my heart,
For a long long while.
I am here, I am there,
We are together,
Forever.
In a fleeting moment,
In midst of that sea of red,
With the shine of rubies,
And the mountains we move.
10 comments:
"She dons a cape,
She dons a smile,
She dons my heart,..."
There is so much to admire about this poem it is difficult to choose just one line or verse to comment on but I like the one above and adore the ending. Thank you for sharing this, Jasmin. :)
Yes lovely poem -- thanks
Awesome Jas.
"I don’t know where I’m going,
Or where we will end up."
-sometimes thats the best part..the giddy unknown...with no blueprint to follow...
Definitely agree about the giddy unknown :)
and thanks all for reading!
"Her eyes shined like rubies in the midst of a sea of red.
What perceived in the ocean could now be seen in the sky.
Above me and below me, we coexist."
I love the correlation between the reflection on water to sky and the rippling effect where space and time are joined, and your emphasis the rubies shined beyond & through a backdrop of the same color is significant.
If I may share a critique topic Camille and I were given in the past...concerning our use of the word "like" in poetry...
For example, instead of saying:
"Her eyes shined like rubies in the midst of a sea of red," verses "Her eyes shined; bright rubies in the midst of a sea of red," or even: "Her eyes shined as rubies in the midst of a sea of red."
We both still occasionally use the word 'like' in our poetry since being pummeled by that critic, (who was a sarcastic ass about it) but we are sensitive to and carefully try not to overuse the word 'like' if there are other ways (possibly) better suited or sufficient to express the same thing.
I mention because if you enter poetry contests, it's a snitty little thing some judges might hold against you without your knowledge. Personally, I don't see anything wrong with phrasing it exactly the way you did and love your entire poem as is! :)
Thanks for the advice! :) I wasn't aware but I'll definitely keep that in mind.
I like the line "Into the deep unknown, up up and away."
It personifies jumping off a diving board to new adventure, uncertain if you're swimming or flying and not really caring which, just freely living each moment with dreamlike abandon!
My grandma used to tell me "Careful what you wish for Daryl, you just might get it."
I hope this dream comes true for you if it's what you want. I enjoyed reading it. I never really thought about poetry except in school and that wasn't a pleasant class for me. but since I met Camille and talks with Eric and reading others poetry here I look forward to each one. It's different to enjoy them than being forced to try to interpret or write one. thank you for sharing yours!
Glad you two liked it!
And thanks Daryl :)
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